Be prepared. European cuisine is similar to following a cow around, pulling the cud out of it's mouth, burning it in a pot for an hour and covering it with old fish. It's awful and the portions are tiny. You will struggle to find an all-you-can-eat buffet. You will also notice that the Philistines in Europe eat with the knife and fork AT THE SAME TIME!! They seem to be unable or unwilling to adjust to the one-handed eating style that lets you put one hand down your pants while you eat. This sets the USA apart from the rest of the world and explains why it takes Eurotrash four hours to eat dinner. Don't get complacent. Foreign food KILLS AMERICANS. The USA has been working very hard over the last few decades to set up shelters across Europe where Americans can eat safely in bright lighting and take refuge from the onslaught of foreign culture in familiar plastic seating. The American Travel Guide map shows the location of every Burger Shot, Wigwam Burger, Cluckin' Bell, Pizza Stack, Rusty Brown's and Bean Machine across the United States of Europe. Don't leave home without it! By our calculations, you are now never more than ten minutes away from a burger and fries anywhere in the world. The wheels of progress are turning. Europeans will stop at nothing to try to poison American tourists. Here are some of the common tricks to watch out for:
		They will attempt to persuade you to spread a sticky, black yeast extract on your toast in the morning. It looks like chocolate spread but is in fact devil spawn diarrhea. Everything and anything in the UK is a pudding... Yorkshire pudding, Christmas pudding, black pudding. You never know whether you're going to get a dessert or a lump of congealed animal blood. Most of their traditional dishes sound like sordid sexual encounters: bubble-and-squeak, spotted dick, toad-in-the-hole, plum duff. Do not be fooled and do not drink the warm beer.
		You're expecting a bowl of Big Logs cereal for breakfast and they arrive with a plate of herring and eel. Sick.
		They will try to serve you boiled meat and then spike you with Schnapps at the end of the meal. It smells like candy but it's actually a date rape drug.
		No matter what you order, it will arrive with cabbage. Please remember that vegetables can rupture an American stomach.
		The French will eat ANYTHING. No animal is off bounds. They will mess you up with mind-bending hallucinogenic green drinks and then try to envenom you with a rancid, toxic mold that they call 'cheese'. Do they take us for idiots?! Cheese comes individually wrapped in slices.
		Steer clear of the salted cod and green wine. They are lethal toxins.
		They will try to contaminate you with cold soup and raw ham. Be on your guard.
		Taramasalata! They make it look like a pink dessert but it's actually a deathly fish shit spread.