American Travel Guide



Look, we know the United States of Europe is a terrifying place - a patchwork of third-world backwaters where the pop music is cheesy, American has-been stars are treated like gods, the cars are small and you have to pay a toothless crone to take a shit in a squat hole. The men kiss, the women don't shave and the children drink wine.

When not on strike, Europeans are paralytic by 10 AM, take a three-hour lunch and then spend their afternoons sleeping or sitting around in cafes whining about lost empires. And if you're looking to travel to Europe during the summer, beware. The entire continent gets 3 months paid leave from work - so the place is a madhouse. It is quite evident that those with a healthy workaholic manner got out 300 years ago.

One thing that surprises many Americans when they travel abroad is that not everybody loves a superpower. The filthy streets of Europe are full of chain-smoking clodhoppers who will think nothing of murdering you in your sleep just for being a freedom lover.

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The wily Europeans have come up with some devious ploys designed to throw the hapless American tourist into a spiral of disorientation and paranoia from the moment he sets foot on foreign soil:
They change the time so that you think that you have arrived for dinner but end up having breakfast and feeling like you are hung over. And their breakfast is awful. You are hard pressed to find decent bacon or gravy.
They have 31 months out of the year - but only 12 days a month. Don't be alarmed when you arrive and it's 27-12-08.
They measure everything in illogical multiples of 10; trust us - we had a call girl say she only weighs 100 but when you open the door she's a blubbery beast.
They use an incomprehensible system to estimate weather temperature; you dress up in gloves and a scarf when you hear that it's 30 degrees, only to discover everyone is sunbathing.


Traveling in Europe can be a minefield, LITERALLY. The American Travel Guide is here to arm you with the information that you need to neatly sidestep the pitfalls, blunders and faux pas (a phrase stolen by the French) that plague the average traveler.

The best piece of advice that the American Travel Guide can give you is - STAY AT HOME! There's a reason you don't own a passport. Why would you want to fly halfway around the world to get insulted by socially-awkward savages who will spit in your food and steal your camera when you can get all the European culture that you need delivered to your door faster than a fire truck right here in the US of A? Relax. Kick off your Derriere shoes, put your feet up on your Krapea table, order a deep-pan from Pizza This, take a slurp of your Bean Machine gunkaccino, crack open a Piswasser and engage in some hand-to-gland combat to the finest Russian adult entertainment. You don't need to leave America to know that it's the greatest country in the world!