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| |  | Make no bones about it!
A sure-fire way to run your business into the ground is to assume that chiropractic treatments are only useful for lower back pain. Remember: all health problems from acne to anorexia, from constipation to cardiovascular congestion, from delinquency to diabetes can be cured by a quick fumble along the spine. | | |
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| | | Don't know how it works but it does!
We find that the use of meaningless but impressive-sounding terms helps to build credibility. Remember, 'Vertebral Subluxation' is the all-encompassing excuse for the myriad of signs and symptoms that we attribute to a misaligned spinal segment. Just like when you're trying to bag a chick, keep it vague but complicated. It would be catastrophic if it got out that our treatments are no more effective than a back rub. If someone questions subluxation, use the pinched garden hose analogy. Then brain them and dump them out back. | | |
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| | | Offer free examinations in shopping malls.
Don't forget the plastic skeleton! Great way to meet brainless girls! | | |
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| | | Lock patients into a cycle.
Lock patients into a cycle of regular but unnecessary treatment to ensure that they spend their twilight years wall-mounted on a wooden pallet, drinking their dinner through a straw. | | |
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| | | The 'Animal Cracker'.
Why not throw it out to pets as well?! Dogs love a good back pop and will sometimes get erect. | | |
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| | | Keep it flowing.
Consider colonic irrigations as part of the process. Insist on them daily. | | |
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| | | Above and beyond the call of duty.
Don't be afraid to drop a hint that "extra" services are on the menu... You've got to compete with those slutty masseurs! | | |
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| | | Hurt children so they'll never wet the bed again!
Aggressively promote the untold benefits of kneading a baby's spinal cord. Remember the three magic words: Lifetime Maintenance Care... make sure that they are flopping around the house like a seal by the time they reach puberty. | | |
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| | | YOU CAN NEVER HAVE TOO MANY X-RAYS!
Well, you can, and they sometimes give you fatal diseases, but oh well, life goes on, even without you. | | |
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| | | Straighten it out.
Tell girls that their breasts are uneven and in need of alignment... | | |
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| | | Try the same approach with other body parts.
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| | | Use the AMP Method.
Advanced Muscle Palpation is an excellent excuse for feeling up a girl's tits. | | |
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| | | Always emphasize that you are a Primary Care Provider.
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| | | Sell strange-shaped pillows in the reception area.
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| | | Offer as many ridiculous treatments as possible.
Stay one step ahead of the competition! Iridology, Applied Kinesiology, Fisting, Pendulum Divining, Hair Analysis, Labia Piercing, Herbal Crystallization Analysis, Aquarian Age Healing, Bioenergetics, Somatosynthesis are just a few great ways to scam the patient into parting with their life savings. | | |
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| | | Orthopedists, physiotherapists and osteopaths are evil shysters.
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| | | Take a few acting classes.
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| Within 24 hours you will be fully indoctrinated into the cult of chiropractics. Deprogramming will take years. Sponsored by the Epsilon Program. | |
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