(Purgatory)

Ever since Mayor Ochoa's crackdown on crime in Liberty City, my precinct has been handing out some aggressive arrest targets. It's a nightmare. I didn't sign up for all the dangerous stuff. I'm more of a man about town - a people person. I give directions to tourists, I ask hobos not to eat out of the trashcans, I let children play with my gun. I've got no chance of catching some young punk with half of Colombia coursing through his veins. It takes me all my time to get up a flight of stairs. I'm consistently the worst-performing officer in my squad and, if I don't take drastic action, I'll be working security at Binco by the end of the year.

So here's the plan. I need one old lady (the frailer the better) and one mean-looking motherfucker. Meet me in the middle of Star Junction at 7 PM on Thursday night (I'll be the obese guy in police uniform) so we can synchronize watches and all that jazz. At precisely 7:49, the mean-looking motherfucker will attack the old lady as she walks past Drusillas restaurant in Little Italy and steal her handbag. There will be a bit of a struggle (nothing too rough, just slap her around a bit). At 7:50, I will turn the corner, yell "Stop, Police" and give chase. Do NOT run too fast. If you hear me shout "You'll never get away from me", that is your signal to slow down. After a couple of blocks - actually, make it one block - I will tackle you to the floor and wrestle the handbag from your hands. Now for the complicated part. Obviously, you don't want to get arrested. But I need a very good reason to let you go.

So, as we are grappling on the floor, I will stab myself in the stomach with a small penknife. There will be lots of people around so this needs to be done EXTREMELY subtly. I will talk you through it at the time. Once I give the word, you will escape and the bloodied hero will stagger back and return the handbag to the old lady! It's a plan perfect in its simplicity. I'll be all over the local news and I've got a good chance of making sergeant.

Who's in? I can pay you $30 each and take care of any outstanding parking tickets.



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