"Eris is truly a global brand. And when I say 'global brand', I mean it's made in some Asian country you're too scared to visit and sold at a 10,000% markup. That, my friend, is the kind of entrepreneurial spirit all Americans wearing Eris are made of. It's like charity. Do you not see the urban commercials on TV? Our logo on the foreheads of the top coaches in sports? Our footwear is sold all over North America and Western Europe and made all over Africa and South-East Asia. Over the past 4 years we have been aggressively implementing our 'Sew For Success' initiative across all manufacturing sites with a view towards streamlining operations. We have also cut costs by downsizing many of our Eris Town superstores to Eris Hamlets. It's been a great year. The shareholders are happy and we will be giving something back to the loyal Eris customer by only increasing our prices by 15% (Or more for limited edition shoes. Limited edition shoes are shoes we make less of, to drive the prices up).

Eris receives a lot of flak in the liberal media for its corporate practices, especially our third-world production line. These are lies. Our workforce is strictly volunteer now and besides, what would you rather do? Starve or earn 10 cents an hour? A 401K and a gym membership aren't going to put food on their floor. Children require less sleep and women are better at multi-tasking. It's simply good business sense and good community practice in this global village we call heaven's locker room. That's right, since I went to rehab last year, I've found religion and I'm on a mission from the Big Guy to spread fashionable athletic footwear to the entire world. We spend billions every year on advertising and celebrity endorsements and that has to come from somewhere. Apart from men with mid-life crises trying to connect with a lost generation, the vast majority of our customers are under 25 and it is tough pitching over-priced products to a demographic with no direction, disposable income or decency for that matter. We need marketing that is strong enough to persuade people to steal from their friends, emotionally blackmail their parents or go into debt to buy a pair of Eris sneakers. You have to pay hundreds of millions of dollars to get big names like Tyrone 'The Tower' Hancock and Ernesto Asaltacunas on your books and product placements in rap videos do not come cheap.

We estimate that only 1% of our customers actually play any sport in Eris footwear so pretty soon we are going to have to channel all our marketing efforts through gangsters and hip-hop stars. This all costs money. Hip hop stars smoke really expensive marijuana. Which I am not a fan of. I used to take bull shark testosterone, but now, I've found a better way to live."