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"Both my wife and I have spent most of our lives in and out of therapy for depression and rampant narcissism. When we discussed this with Dr. Von Singer, he told us about a new genetic modifier he had discovered that makes you feel like you're permanently on ecstasy. Our daughter is such a gift. She's everyone's best friend! All she does is walk around all day with a bottle of water, hugging people. Her quivering jaw is so cute! We couldn't have done it without Eugenics Incorporated!" "We got it wrong the first time. We were to keen to avoid a perma-grinning sitcom kid so we decided to mix in a few off-center characteristics like aloof, campy, self-deprecating and arrogant. You can imagine our surprise when, after a couple of years, we realized that we'd given birth to a British kid! Luckily, the team at Eugenics Incorporated was very understanding and offered us a free exchange. Thanks Dr. Von Singer!" "We were delighted with our first child from Eugenics Incorporated but we wanted to switch things up the second time. Why be boring?! Nobody looks quite like our Cymon. Gray hair, glow-in-the-dark skin and one massive eye in the middle of his forehead. He's a little freak! Also he can jump really high and doesn't feel pain. We feel so blessed! All rich people should genetically engineer their kids!!" "I had always dreamt of having a daughter but I'm a very overprotective dad. I couldn't get the image out of my head of some tattooed punk deflowering the barely-teenage apple of my eye round the back of a Wigwam Burger. I woke up in cold sweats as I imagined myself castrating boys with my bare hands for daring to even glance at my little princess in the wrong way. At the same time, however, the last thing I wanted to look at over the breakfast table was a pudgy monstrosity with a face like a smacked ass. A complete Catch 22, until I spoke to Eugenics Incorporated. Dr. Von Singer designed me a beautiful daughter who is completely asexual and terrified of the outside world. Home schooling works for us and we're very happy. Thank you!" "I needed someone to take over the family guttering business, and certainly didn't want it to be a girl. I had seen my nephews grow up, leave home and go to college. Ungrateful bastards! However, with the help of Eugenics Incorporated, I was able to design the perfect son for my needs. Below-average IQ, ambitionless but a physical warrior, Frankie is captain of every sports team, bottom of every class and firmly established as the school bully. He's everything I could have wished for! Let me tell you, he's not shy in the locker room! He started shaving at the age of 4! My only fear is that he might end up getting a football scholarship but I'm confident that his addictive personality will take care of that by 9th grade. Bioengineering - so much easier than beating your kids into shape!" "After a lot of discussion, we decided on an IQ of 150 for our son, Julius. He's 3 now and has just learned Mandarin Chinese. He's doing very well at school and recently wrote his first book report on 'Gender Bias in Homer's Iliad'. He has extremely high standards and tried to set himself on fire when he got 9 out of 10 on a math test. The teacher made a mistake. He boycotted Christmas last year and has vowed to speak only in Nietzsche quotes until we return his confiscated crossword book. Such a little rascal! He's a bit neurotic and calls social services whenever we try to touch him but we're very proud. And we'll have shipped him off to college by the age of 8! Thanks, Eugenics Inc.!" |
