Everybody looks good in designer genes!

You've all seen those picture-perfect families in restaurants who smile sweetly at each other and make intelligent, pleasant conversation for the duration of the meal. The children have great teeth, active lifestyles and good grades. You've all gazed enviously at those beautiful kids who pull the chair out for their mother and order their food in French while talking about the enormous trophy they won playing sports. Then you look at your chubby brat across the table who is trying to see how much spaghetti he can get up his nose after spending a full 5 minutes scratching his butt and smelling it. Where did you go wrong? Are you genetically deficient? Like anything in modern life, design needs to be intelligent. Pounding uglies and rolling the DNA dice time and again is a recipe for a lifetime of disappointment.

An old adage says that you can choose your friends but not your family. Thanks to Dr. Von Singer and his team of human genetic engineers at Eugenics Incorporated, that's all about to change. We can't do anything about your alcoholic Uncle Pete and his wandering hands but we can make sure that his genes are banished from your bloodline forever. Eugenics Incorporated offers you the chance to customize your children's chromosomes from the comfort of your armchair.

The truth is that the vast majority of children are a bitter disappointment to their parents. You imagine your little prince reading Keats out on the lawn but catch him jerking off into your lingerie catalogue; you picture your little angel playing a Vivaldi flute concerto for your envious neighbors, only to find out she blows the older boys on the block for bags of crystal meth. It was the birth of Dr. Von Singer's first child that inspired him to dedicate his life to reprogenetics: "When my daughter was born, I really felt like I'd been served meatloaf when I'd ordered the filet mignon. There is no worse feeling for a parent than the slow realization that you've created a monster. She inherited her mother's face and intellect and my bandy legs and hairline. She is a constant source of disappointment and embarrassment to me but, in a strange way, she is also my motivation. Some mornings I just feel like throwing the petri dish against the wall and locking myself in a darkened room with a bottle of Bourgeoix Cognac. Like the good old days. Then I catch a glimpse of my first-born watching re-runs of 'I'm Rich' while spraying canned cheese into her mouth and I am straight back into the lab. No one should suffer as I have. If parenting can't be perfect, then what can be?"

Children are far from priceless. It will cost you about $250,000 just to get a child to the end of high school, not to mention the tens of thousands you will have to spend so that he/she can spend four years smoking piff at college. Would you splurge that kind of money on a yacht when there's a risk that you might receive a rubber dinghy with a slow puncture instead? In a recent interview, Dr Von Singer was quoted as saying "Even with two physically-attractive parents, you're shooting craps with the genome. Just because I happen to like fudge and oysters, doesn't mean that they taste good together in a milkshake." Two-thirds of Americans are overweight and obesity carries an extremely high rate of heritability. Are you willing to take that chance? Nothing shatters the dream of parenthood more quickly than unfurling a huge, sloppy dump from a fat kid's diaper. We are morally obliged to give our children the best lives possible. What better start than genetic engineering? Can you imagine being able to predetermine the height, ethnicity, body type, hair and eye color, IQ, sexual orientation and personality traits of your baby? Don't be hemmed in by heredity. Eugenics is the future of fertilization. Whether you like it or not, your children are going to be competing with genetically perfected uber-children, so make sure your kid is not left behind.

For people who like to bang kin, to keep reproduction in the family - like the British monarchy, and much of the South, and all American blueblood families - Eugenics is a great way to ensure that Billy-Joe does not end up with long arms and a head like a half-eaten empanada. However, at Eugenics Incorporated, there is no such thing as a genetic defect. The customer is always right. If you want a bald dwarf or a hermaphrodite with webbed feet, that is your prerogative. We believe in consumer choice. You pick out a particular breed of dog based on your preference and lifestyle so why shouldn't you be able to purchase a made-to-order baby? Would you buy an Irish Wolfhound if you lived in a studio apartment? You choose your biological partner based on intellect, personality and appearance. Why not pre-select these characteristics for your child from a glossy catalogue? Eugenics is no different from a sex change, nose job or stomach staple. We just get all the surgery out of the way before the kid is born. You're not perfect but your child can be. Overcompensate for your own inadequacies by living vicariously through your off-the-shelf offspring. Make sure your successor succeeds.

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