Home Cremation - Products and Services


	Don't let funeral arrangements burn you out. Do you need more than gasoline and a lighter? Yes. We worry about the details so you don't have to. Whatever lights your fire, Home Cremation has a package to suit you. Over 40 years in the death care industry! Check out our sizzling special offers:


	We provide the wood and you do the rest! Approximately 1 in 4 adults in the USA are now clinically obese and if not set on fire properly can smolder like a whale for a week. Given that the average body takes about three hours to burn on a decent-sized funeral pyre, that means you're going to need a shitload of wood if Granny's going to be well done!! There's nothing worse than a party going strong and the fire starting to go out. HomeCremation.com can provide all the wood that you need, delivered straight to your door by an 18-wheeler. You don't want your loved one to still be medium-rare when dawn arrives!


	Wood! See above. Construction! Designing a funeral pyre is not as easy as it looks. Leave it to the experts! Our experienced team will build a special statue out of leftover construction materials. Burn grandpa in a boat, a parade float, or our favorite - a replica of his office or other place of work. Body Preparation! Handling a corpse can be an emotional and messy experience. Our cosmetician will make sure that your loved one looks sexy for their big day. Catering! It's going to be a long afternoon and you're going to get hungry. Leave it to Home Cremation. Our delicious barbeque banquet of ribs, thighs, rump, breast and marshmallows is a sure-fire crowd-pleaser. Fragrance! Burning human flesh smells a bit like roast pork but it is not to everyone's palate. Home Cremation adds a blend of exotic wood chips, herbs, pine cones, jasmine, asbestos, frankincense, cinnamon sticks and pecan shells to all its funeral pyres. Your backyard will smell like a hippie's bedroom! We can also treat your loved one to one of our marinade massages on the morning of the cremation. Choose between honey dew, chili lime and teriyaki. Your guests will be running to the buffet! Teeth retrieval! You can't burn a smile! While your loved one is knocking at the pearly gates, a member of our team will rake over the embers and locate their pearly whites. Music! Home Cremation has a range of smoking soundtracks guaranteed to ignite the festivities. Country music suggested. Fireworks! Our fantastic pyrotechnics display will make sure that the celebrations go off with a bang.


	Can of gasoline
	Matches
	Kindling
	Long-handled fork
	Tongs
	Rake
	Bucket of water
	Sunglasses
	Marshmallows


	Build the largest pyre that you can manage, though watch out for overhead power lines. The bigger the better! Heat is the key. We're aiming for flame-grill rather than slow-roast.
	Make sure that you set up your pyre downwind of spectators. You want to avoid scraps of burning flesh landing in the guests' margaritas.
	Attach the deceased securely. We cannot overemphasize the importance of pyre stability. The last thing that you want is grandpa dive-bombing the canapes in a ball of flames.
	Avoid throwing trash on the pyre, especially old tires, aerosols, tins of paint, foam-filled sofas etc... until you're pretty drunk. It's like an extra bonus.
	Check that there are no animals or children inside the pyre before lighting. One funeral at a time!
	When the fire dies down and the guests have staggered home, you're going to be left with a pile of bone fragments. Crematoriums pulverize the bones with a machine. For Home Cremation, however, we recommend that you throw them in a potato sack and smash them with a sledgehammer. This is a fun activity for the kids.

Why not give the event a theme? We carry a wide range of cremation costumes and, for an additional $40 we will dress up the deceased in a party outfit of your choice. General, cowboy, angel, devil, cheerleader, pirate and adult baby bondage gimp are some of our most popular options. If you have several people to burn at once, consider a posed scene from your favorite book or movie.

Home Cremation offers a line of affordable plastic funeral urns in exclusive modern designs. From a football to a high-heeled shoe to a beer can, we can provide something that encapsulates the personality of your loved one. Starting at $5.

Memorial Mugs! Home Cremation will mix the ashes with pottery clay and make mugs that you can give to all your friends. Just $20 for a batch of 10.

The tears, the laughter... don't let the memories die in the embers. Capture the day on film and show the grandkids! Home Cremation will immortalize the entire event on video at a very reasonable price. Size matters, though! Evidently the cooking time for a seven-year-old girl is going to be very different to that of a 6-foot biker and our costs reflect this:

0 - 100lb
100 - 200lb
200 - 300lb
300lb+

$20
$30
$40
$50