| Hello. You probably don't remember me. I'm the guy you all ignored, except when you were telling me to drink out of the toilet bowl and pulling my pants down to show Mr. Statwalter. OK, so I was a little strange. I wasn't cast in the right mold for your mindless cliques. I used to eat soil and talk to myself at recess. But none of you even gave me a chance - you were all too busy taking drugs and getting pregnant. Well, now the tables have turned. After leaving school, I studied for a Bachelor of Economics and then an MBA at an Ivy league School. I joined Schlongberg and Sachs as a junior trader in options arbitrage and was running the trading department within four years. I broke away in 1998 to launch my own hedge fund and I am now worth around half a billion dollars, give or take a million! Not bad for the guy 'most likely to suck' according to the class of 1989! I could buy you all as my bitches. As I drive home in my convertible to my 30-bedroom mansion and model girlfriend, I can't help thinking what all my old classmates from East Holland High are up to. Are you working in a factory or a fast-food restaurant? Maybe retail, if you are good-looking? PLEASE let me know. And if you are in Monaco this summer, keep your eye out for me. I'll be the guy on the big fuck-off yacht surrounded by fake tits. Wait a second, you couldn't find Monaco if you pissed on a map.
As for you, Beefy Steve, I've had a personal trainer for the last five years and guess what?! I'm not 130lb pounds any more, asshole! Can't wait to see you at the reunion. Try taking my money clip now and I'll break your face. By the way, one of my systems analysts just hacked through the shitty security system on Horny High School Reunions and pulled down all your personal details. Expect a long and systematic hell as I begin an identity theft that will go down in history |
