Big tobacco takes the health of its customers very seriously and, following a recent spate of record-breaking lawsuit settlements, we desperately need to overhaul our image and show the world that we have a social conscience. The purpose of this website is to educate the general public about the potential, inconclusive dangers of smoking so that you can make an informed decision about buying our products with the coupons provided after you have learned more about the horrible alleged dangers of relaxing with a cool, refreshing cigarette. There are a lot of mixed messages in the media, so here are the facts:

SMOKING IS BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH Some unsubstantiated medical research suggests that cigarette smoking MAY be linked to lung cancer, heart disease and respiratory problems. Just because a couple of chimps in a lab smoked some French cigarettes and got emphysema, doesn't prove a thing. There are more smokers in China than the entire population of the USA and most of them believe that smoking is good for you. Any cause-effect relationship is purely coincidental. Most people who go blind also masturbate. Does this mean that masturbation causes blindness? No. I hope.

SMOKING TAKES 10 YEARS OFF YOUR LIFE This is pure speculation but, in any case, these are the 10 years that you spend pissing into a bag and eating through a straw. Give me a lifetime of looking cool and sexy any day. In any case, it is almost a certainty that scientists will find a cure for cancer before you have to worry about any of this stuff. I know we've been saying that for years but it's sure to happen someday.

YOU SHOULD QUIT SMOKING You should certainly try, once you get to 40 or thereabouts. The trick is to stop before all the health problems kick in. Girls: Please bear in mind that YOU WILL GET FAT. Remember that you can always smoke light cigarettes, which are proven to have little or no harmful effects on the body. Smoking a light cigarette is like putting on a condom when you have sex. As for ultra lights, you can smoke those babies all day.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A SAFE CIGARETTE Maybe. But there is also no such thing as a safe car. They both have the potential to kill you. Planes crash. Rubbers break. Mistakes happen. Life happens. NEWSFLASH: You are going to die.

SMOKING AGES YOU PREMATURELY It can be argued that, after a certain age, smoking can start to make women look haggard and men look rugged. It also makes you lose weight and feel more confident and your voice will drop a few octaves, which will get you chicks or in the case of chicks will also get you chicks, just a different kind of chick.

SMOKING ISN'T COOL We would never use the word cool (except for above). Certainly, smokers tend to be more creative and better lovers. One thing is for sure - you shouldn't feel guilty about smoking. It has helped children to gain peer acceptance for centuries and it is a great way to meet people. 97.43% of smokers have hooked up with a hottie when having a cigarette outside a nightclub.

SMOKING IS ADDICTIVE Don't believe everything that you read. There is no scientific proof. People are too quick to throw around words like 'deadly' and 'addictive'. Nicotine releases dopamine which makes you happy. Is wanting to be happy considered an addiction? Cigarettes help you to relax - they are like the adult version of a pacifier. Nobody ever committed a murder or ended up on the streets because of tobacco. People have compulsive personalities and cigarettes fill a void that would otherwise be plugged with crack. When people say they are "trying to quit", it's not the cigarette's fault.

CIGARETTES ARE FULL OF CHEMICALS One man's chemical is another man's vitamin. It all comes down to semantics. Take a look on the back of your juice carton.

SMOKING IN BED IS DANGEROUS Ok, we'll give you that one. But so is smoking while filling up your gas tank or smoking while changing a baby's diaper. Life is full of dangers. What more do you want from us? Who ever heard of a company being forced to spend billions of dollars telling customers not to use its products? People can't even smoke on an airplane or in a movie theater any more. Are we the only ones who see the hypocrisy in the government brainwashing our customers with propaganda about the dangers of smoking when it relies on tax dollars from the tobacco industry to buy bombs to kill people? America was built on tobacco (and killing people) and we should never forget it. But if you do need to take your mind off of it, a cool, relaxing, sexy and life-enhancing cigarette couldn't hurt. Be an individual.

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